Don’t we all rely on our cell phones in awkward situations?
I remember being in awkward situations before the days of cell phones, way back in the 90s. I would nervously fidget, chew my nails, squint my eyes like I saw someone I knew in the crowd in the distance, maybe even nod like the imaginary person I knew in the crowd in the distance had acknowledged me.
I have problems.
I was recently in an uncomfortable situation. I had taken the boy to a play group, where I knew absolutely no one. This may come as a shock to you, but I am extremely shy in these situations. I smile and nod, but I am not the type to approach a group of women and start comparing menstrual cycles. No, I just kind of stand around by myself, very awkwardly, and I break out my cell phone so that I look too busy to care. I’m pretty sure people think I am rude, but I’m just shy. Really.
I’m not busy on the phone. I am merely looking at the weather, Googling my own name, or pretending to have a conversation with the Time and Temp lady on the other end of the line.
I have problems.
So, the kid is off playing (very not-awkward-like with kids he’s never met in his life), and for once, I was hoping he would run to me with a need- a diaper full of Juicy Juice induced poop would’ve been awesome. Even more awesome would be him picking up on my awkward vibes and loving me enough to come help a sister out.
“Hey, Mama. You look like a complete loser standing over here on the phone. You aren’t fooling anybody. You aren’t really busy. We all know you are commenting on Aunt Ida’s Facebook status about running out of Aspercreme. So, I will make you a deal. I will strain really hard to shit my pants so we can disappear for a while and relieve this tension. Ready?”
What a cool kid.
But, he isn’t a cool kid. He was more concerned with his happiness in the bouncy house than at his mother looking like an out of place moron.
So, I got stuck close to two ladies, with whom I had absolutely nothing in common. I’m not saying that I am cooler than them (I am), I am just saying that we had no common ground. In the following photos, we are literally on uncommon ground. Literally. See how the ground slopes and- well, you get the idea.
I guess using your phone as a microphone to sing Michael Bolton Percy Sledge’s version of “When a Man Loves a Woman”, only adds to the awkward factor.
I don’t guess it is as awkward as a drunk Meg Ryan falling through the shower door in the movie “When a Man Loves a Woman”, though, right?
When I started this post, I didn’t foresee the song or the movie “When a Man Loves a Woman” playing such a huge part.
And I totally condone carpools, Tupperware and meringue pies. I just don’t talk about these things at length like it is cool.
However, I do not condone Michael Bolton. Ever.
But I do condone Percy Sledge. Always.
That would be me. I usually take a book and bury my nose in it. Because the rule of feeling like you don’t fit in is acting like you don’t want to fit in.
That IS the key! However, it’s a bust if everyone knows the key.
I would DIE without my phone. I’m not being dramatic either. I swear. My friend told me the other night that I “take some getting used to” and that only made it clearer to me that I am destined to bury my face in a phone for the rest of existence. Great post!
Well, I take some getting used to, too. Thank God for cell phones. If I was alive in the 70s, I guess I would be hiding behind my CB radio.
Oh I have found my awkward soul mate. I too am that mom at the playgroups using my phone as a shield betwee me and the other moms. I feel so much less alone now…..
A wonderful shield it is.
You may be awkward but I can guarantee I am more awkward than you. We should have an awkward-off and see who wins. Nevermind. The thought gives me anxiety and I forfeit. You win. I love When a Man Loves a Woman. The movie, not the song. It’s so depressing, and yet. The love.
I’m down for an awkward-off. No need to forfeit. I will lose with my “cha cha slide”.
I meant win, bc my cha cha slide is beyond awkward. This reply has turned awkward…
I totally get the “I’m not rude but just shy” thing. Hubs is like that, although he is ALSO rude (he doesn’t have many social skills stemming from his lack of social interaction due to his shyness)… but I’m 1000% sure that is sooooo NOT your case. (I hope you know I’m just teasing, really.)
Anyways…… (awkward)
Great post and I bet you rock some Michael Bolton… eh, I mean Percy Sledge.
I’m gonna go play with my phone now.
This comment cracked me up in so many ways.
Hilarious as usual….and this is so me! When I go to my son’s ballgames….if I forget my phone, or my husband, I am totally lost and forced to act like I fit in and belong there. Very awkward indeed! But listening and watching all the other mothers can be quite entertaining….hey, I think I saw you once! Lol
I thought that was you!
HA! “Did this bitch just say Michael Bolton” had my belly fat all jiggling. That’s great. Thank goodness for cell phones. You know, back in the day that’s why they smoked so much. So they could study their cigarettes and just ignore each other.
I still smoke, and yes, that works too!
I usually just take Mama’s little helper with me in those situations- Wine in a big ass tumbler. No one knows what liquid the tumbler contains and it sure takes off the edge.
A tumbler of wine. Excellent.
Too funny!!! Instead of feeling awkward, which I am, (and I totally get that kids, dogs and phones usually help in these situations), I usually just get angry at the women who already know each other and are not including me. I mean, can’t they see how awkward it is for me!?!? Maybe without a phone the awkwardness would be more obvious and others would more easily take pity on us?
I absolutely agree. I try to make others feel at ease when I know everyone and they don’t. They’re just rude I guess.
I’m so with Vanessa on the looking like you don’t want to fit in thing.
When my kids were small, I was actively involved in their school PTA, well, make that singularly-involved. I just could not mix in with the rich-bitch socialites from Pelham Manor who did absofackinglutely nothing but stand on the sidelines and gossip. Probably about me.
I kept myself so busy with school projects that I gave off the impression that I had no time for any of them.
Oddly enough, I ran into one of the wenches at Trader Joe’s recently while I was on my cell phone. All I heard was “it’s you! Oh, I’ll catch you in the next aisle when you’re done talking.”
I hope she didn’t hold her breath…..
Excellent comment! 🙂
Can totally relate to this. School pick up..every freaking day. for some reason since I was laid off last summer and pick them up every day it is just weird…like i should be interacting w/the other moms by now but i don’t. What do i care..i’m moving in 23 days1
Just flip them all off the last day.
Ha! I never thought of using my cell phone like that! Clever, or weird? I think I’ll go with clever! Only one problem, I could never take my eyes off my son at a playground, he has Down syndrome, to even think about using a cell phone, or even pretend to! But there was always that momentary awkwardness of having the child that was “different”. Lucky for my son, he does not see himself that way… and was, is, oblivious. Maybe I could take a lesson from my son! Oblivion rocks! (Loved your post!)
Oblivion does rock, and God bless your boy for teaching you such valuable lessons!!! 🙂
I think we were separated at birth and you got the funnier genes, because every post I read I can relate to so well! Pitiful conversation to fit in with the other moms is not my thing- I usually just send snarky texts to my other friends about them as I hide behind my phone. Don’t be jealous of my maturity…
We are also on the same maturity level.
Hahah I always whip my cell phone out, my friends do too. Especially if you’re waiting for someone alone at a bar..
Sitting alone at a bar is the worst…
I’m like the wicked conversation starter, I usually just pick the wrong people. You know the types. Mother give you a mildly interested “uh-huh.” and then they turn to discuss how awesome the coffee they just got from the Starbucks chick is.
I can’t fathom you as shy….ponder….ponder…ponder.
You should say something clever like “did you know that the iPhone OS silos it’s apps, so really the Angry Birds are really just angry that you’re playing with them…” (crickets)
WG
http://itsmynd.com
I say things like that if I’ve been drinking. Unfortunately, they don’t allow alcohol at the local park.
I almost feel too awkward to comment. This post literally had me laughing out loud.
Awkward comments are the best!
I always hated play dates, perhaps this is why I didn’t do them. The kids aren’t that old, but we didn’t have smart phones then.
Play dates are only fun for children. I’m convinced.
Haha…I loved this whole post! I’m the same way in those situations. I’m never comfortable going and talking to those other moms, mostly because I’m very shy, but also because I think I have nothing in common with them other than kids. I was laughing out loud at When A Man Loves a Woman. And I remember that shower scene from the movie.
Thank you!
Oh my head flew back in a roaring laughter. I think I pulled something.
Awkward!
Susannah. Take me to play date next time. We can be awkward together.
Deal
Susannah. Take me to play date next time. We can be awkward together.
You’re way ahead of me; the shield I use is staying home or staying in my truck. Works for me! Great post and hilarious drawings.
Thanks!
You make me laugh. I wish you could hang with us. We don’t talk about Michael Bolton. Ever. Our group of friends are the coolest, least Martha Stewart talkin babes ever too. I quit 5 playgroups due to bad fit and I am not a girl who ever feels uncomfortable in a crowd (one of those weird chicks who LOVES the group dynamic). Playgroups can be the worst of all social situations second only to the blind date which it resembles in mass. Great piece, Erin
I love the group dynamic when I’m not odd man out. Can I come hang with you guys on Tuesday?
Your post honestly cracked me up! Well done! 😀 (You could get a hang on the cartooning biz!)
-Barb the French Bean
Girl, this is high praise coming from totally awesome you!
Totally cracking me up. As always. Just left my son’s Kindergarten Sing at our yuppie little neighborhood school and I SWEAR that is what I feel like all the time.
So glad I’m not alone!!!
I was reading this while eating dinner (because who wants to make conversation while eating in front of the TV?) Anyway, I was getting ready to write about how it seems a lot of bloggers are awkward in real life. And then, the tail end of a piece of spinach flipped up on my fork and shot balsamic vinegar into my eye. And then I bit my cheek. And I’m not even kidding. So, yeahhhh, I can relate to your post.
I know EXACTLY what you mean, minus the Nuva Ring stuff.
If I didn’t have a phone in that type of situations, I don’t know what I’d do. Probably check my watch 60 times per minute.
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