When I was in high school, there was this really large fellow that worked at my hometown Subway. When I say Subway, I am referring to the restaurant and not the railway system.
I never knew the large fellow’s name, but he had a gigantic head, covered in a haphazard beard and topped awkwardly with a Subway visor. A gold herringbone chain was always mangled in his thick chest hair, and his Subway shirt was ill fitting. Now that I think back on it, he was the spitting image of Gary from Teen Mom.
Well, guess who this stud muffin had his eye on? Little old me.
Gary was a real perv. He would make a grotesque kind of groan as he smothered mustard on my sandwich. Sometimes he would give me a wink as he threw an ice cream scoop of tuna on my wheat bread. He always asked me for my phone number, to which I replied “555-Hell No” as I grabbed my sandwich and ran, yes ran, out the door.
But, now that I think about it, Subway is FULL of sexual energy, isn’t it?
Let’s examine the facts.
In no other establishment can you request anything with the words “six inch meatball”. Looky there. You’ve just described the average man’s genitalia. Lovely, isn’t it?
Let’s add the various “condom” ments squirting rapidly from nozzles, toasted buns and endless photographs of subway tunnels on the walls. Oh, and there are also gloves involved.
Then, you mosey over to the beverage dispenser to see a life size cut out of Michael Phelps in a Speedo. There’s also some nerd named Jared standing around holding really large pants in his hand.
Do you see where I am going with this?
Yes, Subway is full of sexual energy. So, I guess Gary wasn’t really a pervert. He was trapped in soft core porn 8 hours of the day. Throw in a cable installer and you’ve got the makings of some prime time post 10 pm Cinemax programming.
If your relationship is lacking in the intimacy department, forget the lingerie and self help books. All you need to do is cast flirtatious eyes upon your significant other and whisper…
“Baby, let’s Eat Fresh.”
I’ve always been annoyed by all the questions they ask you at Subway, but until I read your post I never realized all the possibilities for sexual innuendos. I think I’ll stay away for a while. Fun post.
Ah, the Subway interrogation. It is annoying isn’t it??
Thanks for reading!
HIl-arious. I won’t be able to go in a Subway now, and not snicker and make jokes and suggestive noises to those in my group…..I will HAVE to explain your post first. This is great.
Oh, you MUST explain it first. Otherwise, they are going to think you are just a perv like Gary!
Hahahah who knew! Clearly, we need to make sure there are no subways within 500 ft of schools. You know, for the children.
Clearly!
That would explain my sexual appetite! I practically grew up in Subway! My mother was the manager of 3 stores and I ate for free all the time. I even worked there at one point.
Boy, I bet you got some stories!!
Ah, no wonder all the hormonally charged teenagers want to eat at Subway. I will really worry about the chicks who order the footlongs!!!
That last sentence made me choke.
Hmm… what does it say about us that my hubby loves Subway and I can’t stand it? I might have to get on him about his favorite order: 12 inch seafood and krab with pickles. Sounds like something you might find in an Adam & Eve catalog, no?
Haha! For sure!!
If anyone ever tries to seduce me by suggesting we “eat fresh,” I will hurl.
Fun post!
HA! Where can i get me one of the baby tees! 😉
Microsoft Paint!
Hey, I like the new name! And this post is hilarious. When I go to Subway it’s because I’m stuck in some desolate place with no vegetarian food and that’s my last resort, but next time that happens I will absolutely think of you. You’re welcome.
Thank you, thank you!!
Terrific, as always. I laugh out loud every time. You have changed my Subway experience from here on out. Creative and so funny!
Thanks!!!
I will never look at Subway the same again. clever.
I have missed you on the challenge grid. Always so fresh…is that the wrong word for this post? Great writing and such insightful, humorous observations.
Thank you, my friend. I’ve been so busy lately. I’ve missed Yeah Write and kind comments like yours! Good to be back!
‘”condom” ments.’ Love it!
🙂
oh my gosh…that is funny. guess everything in life has another perspective i am innocently missing….
i am your newest follower..pls follow back if you can.
Thanks for following! Will follow back!
This made me laugh so hard. You are right. Subway is rather sexual innuendo – ie. I still love eating out there though…
I love it too. And yet I hated 50 Shades of Gray.
Then there’s the whole double meat thing. Dwell on that image for a moment.
Yes. After I wrote this, the term “hard salami” kept coming to mind.
I’m oddly turned on by this post…? And I’m hungry.
Then I’ve succeeded.
Loved this, so hilarious! I rarely go to subway, but I’m never going to be able view it as just another fast food joint! And, I’ll probably insist on take-out 😉
Who can eat in a place like that!? Seriously, take out is better!
Hey, I’m going to subway!!!!!!!
Go on, girl!
I’m pretty sure after the first time that guy came on to me, I would have refused to ever eat at that Subway again. Ick. I have nothing against posters of Michael Phelps, though…
You have to realize I grew up in a one horse town with limited dining establishments. I was forced to eat at this Subway. My hands were tied!
Bwahaha!! I will never eat at Subway again without thinking about this. And I found saying “condiments” without giggling impossible before…
Condiments is such a silly word.
Can anyone order a Foot-long meat lovers sub without giggling?
Only sociopaths.
LOL I will never look at Subway the same ever again!!
Yayayay!!
Oh, GREAT! I don’t think I’ll ever be able to keep a straight face listening to our teen girls order a 6 inch anymore!!! AGHHHHH!
At least they aren’t going for the footlongs. Good kids.
I almost couldn’t finish this because my brother worked at Subway, so, eww.
😉
Ew. Sorry.
So my idiot ex-husband’s second wife was Asian, and got a job at Subway. Naturally my sick and twisted mind Just HAD to change the slogan to “Subway, eat flesh!” Instead of fresh, y’know, cause she’s Asian. SO wrong! But, it kept me amused. I’m certainly not racist in any way, just a sick twisted girl.. sigh
I think Subway, Eat Flesh is the slogan for Zombie Subway workers….
Poor Gary, pining away for you. I bet he thinks of you as the one that got away.
This is either going to make all your readers rush out to Subway or else scare them away from Subway.
Wait until everyone finds out that “five dollar foot longs” are overly optimistic.
oh god! Gary is enough to take my appetite away! Barf! Now I am going to be singing Sexual Healing all. day. long!!!!
When you get that feeling….you’re welcome!
I am SO glad I read this after I ate breakfast. Yeccch Gary!
I think Gary still works there. Hold down your breakfast!
Baahahahaha! You crack me up! In your opinion why are the people who work for Subway called “sandwich artists”?
Something must be in the air, by the way. Yesterday, someone sent me an invitation to join a Google+ group called “food porn”. Obviously you are supposed to post your food pics and recipes. Now I am not so sure anymore?
I have no idea why they are sandwich artists. I make a mean ham and cheese at home. Perhaps I should add this to my resume? Food porn frightens me. Look away…look away. Thanks for your comment!