Bathroom Birth

It was the year of our Lord 2002, and I had no responsibility whatsoever. No children, no bills, and my only worry was that I couldn’t turn off the obsessive need to graph sentences in my head, even when I was on college break.

My current husband was then my boyfriend, and one night our mass alcohol consumption led us to a trailer park. Although I was born and raised in the south, this was my first visit to an actual trailer park, and I was somewhat frightened.

Question: Girl, why were you frightened?

Answer: This wasn’t a nice mobile home community. This was a bonafide southern trailer park, complete with 22 foot tall weeds growing through lawn furniture, rusted tin garbage cans, old appliances setting among the landscaping, and there was a lone Big Wheel next to a dumpster. There’s always a lone Big Wheel.

I was scared, but if some young redneck kids lived in a trailer park with a full keg and promises of Limp Bizkit on their stereo, then that’s where I was headed in 2002.

Things were hazy by 3 am, and I made my way to the bathroom in said trailer.

While sitting there, I heard a sound. Twas merely a squeaking sound. As I tried to process this sound, I felt fur rub against my leg. I thought this could be hallucinations from Fred Durst’s voice singing “Nookie” or the massive amounts of alcohol.

However, I wasn’t hallucinating. There, curled next to the toilet, was a mother cat and new kittens. I don’t mean new as in a few days old. I mean new as in they were in need of mama cat to lick the afterbirth from their fur.

Stunned and drunk, I knew I should search for some Dawn dishwashing liquid because it’s known to remove oil from ducks, so it should surely remove placenta from kittens. I knew I should call for help, and puke, but I did nothing. I just sat there and felt like I was in a scene from “Milo and Otis”. I did nothing.

There, at my feet in a mobile home bathroom, new life had entered this world…as it often does, and I was more concerned with making my way back to the living room to search for a Rage Against the Machine CD to replace the now annoying sounds of Limp Bizkit.

I suppose I should have found the 21 year old homeowners to break the news that they were grandparents, but I did nothing. Nothing.

I woke the next afternoon and immediately thought, “Didn’t something magical happen last night? What was it? Did I give Ed McMahon a full body massage for a Publisher’s Clearinghouse check? No. Did I do a handstand while wearing tassles of some kind? Not this time. Did I eat chicken nuggets with a wizard name Waldorg? No. Oh, yeah, I witnessed cats giving birth. And I did nothing.”

Needless to say, I don’t drink anymore. And I don’t go to parties in trailer parks.

I’m linking up with Yeah Write #77 this week. Mosey on over there and see what all the hubub is about. You’ll be amazed and stuff.

Wife, Mama, Author, Humorist, Podcaster, Southerner, Jesus Follower, CEO of Twelve Tails Farm.

54 comments

  1. Angela Ryan says:

    Great stuff! I love your voice and sense of humor. Pretty damn sure we would be besties in real life. And now for random story: This is an actual story in my town’s local police reports — The Tomahawk Police were called to the Northwoods trailer park for reports of a domestic dispute. When they arrived there, they found two male roommates fighting over whose turn it was to clean the litter box. One had dumped litter on the other’s head, and a fight ensued. This may not be word-for-word, but it’s pretty damn close. I don’t know why I remember such wierd shit.

    • Such weird shit bears remembering.

      I’m fairly sure that we would be besties in real life, too. Do you like to boot scoot? I don’t.

      Glad I found your blog. We may not be besties in real life, but I’ll damn sure be your bestie in blog life.

      I said bestie alot in this reply. That’s weird.

  2. Funny, funny story, ‘Zannah, yet another in your long line of humorous takes on life. I like your description, current husband, as if you’ve had plenty and intend to have plenty more. The Dawn dishwashing liquid because its known to remove oil from ducks was a good one. All of it is good. I will be smiling through the rest of my evening.

  3. Wait, you weren’t really supposed to do anything were you? Now I am going to be all awake with this pit in my stomach. But really, animals don’t need us to do THAT do they? They need us to put on better CD’s and stay the fuck away, right? As always, I like your light, southern flair that also has some deep nuggets for me to mull over.

    • I don’t think I was supposed to do anything. But, for some reason, I kept hearing that Phil Collins song about “In the Air Tonight.” I saw what you did, I saw it with my own two eyes. Did someone witness me doing nothing? Did Phil collins witness me do NOTHING about these blood covered kittens? Maybe I have too much of a guilty conscience. I’m glad I gave you some deep nuggets. That makes me feel special.

  4. Jester Queen says:

    I was totally expecting YOU to give birth from the title. As long as Mama was there, she’d take care of the mess, but I got a laugh out of your sudden need for Dawn! I’m guessing you wouldn’t have found any even if you had looked.

  5. Gia says:

    Aw, kitties! I saw the title of this post and I was worried it was about that very upsetting story of a teen giving birth in her bathroom and killing her baby. 🙁 Kittens = much happier.

  6. Gina says:

    So glad it was kittens. Nothing for you to do, though. Loved your use of “current” husband but I’m assuming one and only. Loved your humor while describing your fuzziness! Tassels and handstands, oh my!

  7. momnextdoor says:

    So much awesomeness in one post! I can hardly stand it! And yeah, I totally thought it was going to be a teen mom giving birth in a trailer bathroom. I may have even said “Phew!” when I read it was kittens.

  8. Kenja Purkey says:

    And at least the cat was polite, giving birth in the bathroom and all.

    My cats would have picked the new carpet in the living room to go all placenta-ish on.

  9. Heidi says:

    Hilarious! Great descriptions all the way through. This was awesome…”I thought this could be hallucinations from Fred Durst’s voice singing “Nookie” or the massive amounts of alcohol.” Now I have Nookie stuck in my head. Limp Bizkit is just truly awful.
    I thoroughly enjoyed this post.

  10. Z, the kittens were definitely the last thing I expected to see there, especially after you felt something furry brushing up against your leg. In a trailer bathroom. Drunk. Oi. You’re freaking hilarious, thank you for sharing your stories and making me laugh!

  11. TriGirl says:

    Yikes! Good thing it was kittens…cats still know what to do with their kittens…modern teenage girls in first world countries? Not so much. I probably would have rethought the alcohol too!

  12. Kathleen says:

    What a great story! I felt like I was right there with you, afterbirth, Dawn dish detergent and all.

    You really captured the trailer park experience. Loved the line: “There’s always a lone Big Wheel.”

  13. IASoupMama says:

    Why did I think this post was going to be about a massive bowel movement?

    And mama cat does all the work. If you tried to help her, she’d probably claw and bite you. That’s how animals work. You were better off finding better music.

  14. Katy Anders says:

    Nice.

    There are ALWAYS newborn kittens in trailers. It’s a requirement.

    Not being a denizen of 4th rate trailer parks, you might not have known that.

    But it’s true. And required by law.

    The Big Wheel brings them. Just like storks for the rest of us.

  15. Sandra says:

    If it makes you feel any better, as you sat there with your pants around your ankles, I don’t think there was anything to do. In my vast experience of witnessing kittens come into this world (OK just once) dishwashing soap was not involved.

  16. Workingdan says:

    I don’t know what’s scarier… the trailer park or the fact that a girl did nothing when witnessing cute fluffy kittens being born.

    I see lone Big Wheels all the time and this concerns me!

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