Last month (and last year), I said that I was going to start blogging more often because Stephen King told me that’s what I needed to do.
Sorry that I haven’t met your expectations, Stevie.
I’ve really wanted to blog, but I’ve been devoid of all thoughts and ideas. My mind has been closed up tighter than a fireworks stand on the fifth of July. I’ve actually heard the chirping of crickets while trying to come up with an interesting blog post.
I’ve cursed my image in the mirror, and I’ve scraped Cheez Whiz out of the jar with a spatula because I’ve disappointed Stephen King and my followers.
I tried to crank out a couple of posts over the last few weeks, but in all honesty, those posts blew. Those posts sucked. Those posts blew and sucked, simultaneously.
Since cranking out scarce, crappy material, my page views have dropped substantially. Where I once got 50-3000 comments on a single post, I am lucky to get three comments now days. Another reason to shove Cheez Whiz in my jowls.
(Don’t get me wrong. I really LOVE my faithful followers who’ve continued to leave me comments, even though my recent posts have blown and sucked, simultaneously.)
Just when I was thinking of closing up shop and turning my back on the world o’ blogging…
Alas! Hark! Something finally happened that motivated me, inspired me, and got my writing wheels a-turning….right in my hometown Dollar General.
If you’ve been one of my followers for more than a minute, then you know that I hail from Podunk, Tennessee, population 4,000.
Just because I live in a small community, it doesn’t mean that I know everyone around these parts. No, I know enough people, but we are constantly getting “new people” because our magnificent, award winning schools suck these parents in like my dust buster sucks up boogers from my son’s train table. (Because he likes to pick his nose while he plays trains. Duh.)
While browsing the applesauce section at our town’s central hub (Dollar General), I was disgruntled because the Mott’s Natural Applesauce was sold out, and there was nothing left but that Clover Valley Brand Applesauce with its maltodextrin and mofodextrin and other mysterious chemicals that give 8 year old girls boobs.
I just want to feed my children organic applesauce. You know, the kind that Diane Keaton made in Baby Boom. Good old natural country baby applesauce.
**All names from this point forward have been changed to protect the normal**
“Excuse me,” I heard as my eyes continued to scan the shelves. “Are you Susannah?”
As my eyes shifted from the shelves to this thirty-something well-dressed lady, I felt that it was safe to answer her question.
“Yes,” I nodded, checking once more that there wasn’t a firearm in her brown soft-leather handbag.
“Do you have a blog?” this stranger smiled.
I had the urge to take three steps back and put myself in the fighting stance because I was certain that I had probably offended this woman in a blog post. She continued to smile, and she made no sudden moves, so I confirmed that I do, indeed, blog.
She laughed.
“My friend, Ellie Hoffstettler, pinned your blog a few weeks ago.”
“She did?” I asked, not knowing who Ellie Hoffstettler was and not knowing a thing about pinning anything, seeing as how I’m the only person alive that doesn’t use Pinterest.
“Do you know Ellie?”
I shook my head.
“Gloria Von Shuttenberg told her about your blog. Do you know Gloria?” she continued to smile.
“I know the name. Is she married to Edvard Von Shuttenberg?”
“Yes she is. Their daughter, Alexandra Von Shuttenberg and Ellie’s daughter, Franka Hoffstettler are friends. I think Gloria found your blog on Facebook. Someone shared it and then she read it, and she pinned it,” she explained the journey that my blog had taken from FB to Pinterest.
“Wow,” I beamed. “That’s amazing.”
“I laughed so hard at your vlog. That shower…..door…..falling on your….shower….cap,” she laughed and made motions to represent the glass falling on my head.
Unbelievable, I thought. I’ve been discovered. A stranger is telling me my own story. A stranger! My story! Amazing!
“Well, thank you so much for reading my blog. You have no idea how much I appreciate it,” I said as I pulled a box of Goldfish from the shelf and autographed it for this kind, sweet stranger.
I didn’t do that.
“I will have to blog about this,” I told her as she laughed and we parted ways.
And that’s exactly what I’m doing.
I’m somebody! I’m somebody! Some stranger in my Podunk, Tennessee Dollar General knows me! She knows a shower door fell on me!
I HAVE ARRIVED!
I never caught your name, nice Dollar General lady, but thank you. And, like your personality and the self esteem boost that you provided, your scarf was beautiful.
I’m linking up with the fabulous bloggers at Yeah Write this week.
I think that would make my year. And since you blogged about it and amused me it did make my evening!
Thank you, and yes, my year has been made!
Oh.my.gosh. That would make my century. I totally get the droughts and monsoons as far as blogging material or even the will to do it. Just like this situation, I’ll be just about to the point of wanting to cash in my chips and hang up my ol’ blog hammock ( or would that be ‘take down’…whatever) and something or someone will always come along to remind me to keep at it. This lovely lady in DG was just that for you! So very cool! And I have to agree – that vlog was a riot. I am just glad I didn’t have a head cold while I watched it or I’d have either hurt myself or snotted all over my computer, and that’s just ew.
But way to go, there blogebrity!! Very cool!
I love me some DG too, by the way. I have foregone the bowels of Wal-hell and now do my shopping at the lovely Dollar General just a mile from my house. Apparently this trend is catching on. I’ve talked to several gals that have converted to DG. One said, ‘I can pull right up to the door!’ I love that it’s so quiet and orderly and I don’t have to hike four miles to get to the milk.
I love this comment. Death to Hell Mart. Long live the General.
Keep that hammock hanging, girl.
Congrats on being a local celebrity!
Blog on!
Thanks!!
Don’t be so hard on yourself!!!
Isn’t that the best? When one person tells you in real life how much they enjoy your blog…it makes such a difference!!!!
Yes it does!
Are all the people in Podunk, TN of German descent? Just wondering. (Not really – I didn’t miss the part about you making up their names).
Love the part about you taking three steps back and putting yourself in the fighting stance. Have you seen “Oh brother, where art thou?”? Reminds me of the scene in the Woolworth’s. Hilarious.
Not as exciting as random stranger in the DG, but I someone texted me today to tell me their second cousin loved my blog. I was pretty pumped.
Anywho. Regardless of how infrequently you write, I love it all. So keep on keepin’ on.
Yes, we are the Tennessee Reich…
And second cousins make the world go round!
Thanks!
Now you will have to learn to dodge the Paparazzi
Im working on that…
As far as I see it…there is a reason for everything and a season for everything- I know this sounds quacky, but isn’t it all too true? Your writing and your blog needed a rest… you just wrote a book for God’s sake! There will be slow agonizing deaths and rebirths in the creative mind always… BTW- there definitely was a reason for being “discovered” too!!
You’re wise. Just wise.
I have nominated you for a Blog Award. Read more about your award, here, and how you can accept it. Congratulations, and Happy blogging.
Thank you so much!!!
So fun!! that’s great. i love it. and i love that you (didn’t) autograph the fishies!! haha.
Who are we kidding? I wanted to.
I think Dollar General is taking over the earth. They are popping up everywhere! Like, one day we’ll just be sitting around, eating cheese whiz, and those big alien things will burst out from under the DG buildings, like in War of the Worlds.
P.S. I’m glad you were discovered!
What a great book idea! Thanks.
So I don’t see a Pinterest button on your site in recognition of your new found fame. It’s only a matter of time before you succumb to all those pretty pictures of items available in the DG. In the yoga class that I attend 3x a week at least 3, possibly 4 of the ladies are aware of my blog. The first time one of them acknowledges it in any way, hey, I liked your post on…. I will be rendered speechless. So to have a total stranger treat you like a celebrity is truly awesome! Congrats – you deserve it. By the way did you pick up a new jar of Cheez Whiz while you were receiving those much deserved accolades?
I’m trying to ween off the Whiz. Those Yoga ladies probably love your blog but are too intimidated by your genius to speak to you about it!
That’s so cool!!!! Hopefully, that wouldn’t happen to me (because I’m trying to be anonymous…) 😛
How awesome! I want to arrive! Your famous, even if it is just in Tennessee!
It’s easy to make it in Tennessee. Kenny Chesney. Case in point.
No effing way! You are my blogging idol.
SG, you are my idol in SO MANY WAYYYYYYYYYYSSSS!
better get yourself a pair of over-sized sun-glasses. Off to check out this shower door phenomenon…
Over size sun glasses. Check.
I’m simultaneously envious of and proud of you; that’s a notch above simultaneously sucking and blowing, right? Awesome experience and post.
Hahah! Thank you!
“I didn’t do that”–lol. Wow, what a cool experience! You’re famous! I would have felt so weird during a moment like that, but awesome too.
It was awesomely weird.
I love this. I’ve had parents in the school parking lot bring up really inappropriate posts of mine in front of, say, the teacher or the school board president. I’m going to start carrying mini-goldfish cartons to autograph and hand out to, um, let’s call them fans 🙂
Oh my. The school board president! Now my fame is scaring me a little. Any box of snacks will work. Hamburger Helper, too.
CONGRATULATIONS!!! Fun story!
Thank you!
Niiiccceee! Must be fabulous to be so famous.
Oh, and always listen to Stephen. The guy knows his stuff.
Great story. . .it made me think of two things:
1) even when your writing sucks, at least your writing. . . write, write, write, and write some more. . .
2) a stranger telling you your own story is a powerful reminder that people are actually reading your stuff even when you think nobody is.
Good stuff. . .
Very very true. Thank you!
Do not quit. Just don’t. I need you on this Internet. Oh yes I do. And how great is that Gloria? Love her. As for pinning, no can do, but you should blog blog blog.
That Gloria is a freaking riot. Thanks, friend!
How awesome to be recognized! It means you’re doing something right and connecting with people, so don’t stop!
I won’t! THANKS!!
Oh how amazing is that?! Congrats on your notoriety. I hope you at least slipped an initialed kleenex into her purse as she was walking away.
Damn, that would’ve been smooth.
So since the stalker didn’t get the signed Goldfish crackers, can I have them? But seriously, I’m glad you’re rejuvenated.
We just got a DG in my uber-podunk town of 2000. I’m going to go buy milk right now! I’ll be sure to pack a Sharpie. 😉 Ellen
You never know, Ellen. You just never know. I’m thinking of starting a DG IDOL competition.
You are my new blogging hero. I recommend big sunglasses and a scarf the next time you hit the DG, so the paparazzi doesn’t recognize you.
Great advice! Check!
How much fun is that? Plus, you are awesome at making up names!
Ha! Thanks. It’s a little thing I like to do…
I should know better than to drink anything while reading your blog. The “I didn’t do that” line just had me nearly spitting coffee.
Congrats on your arrival! So cool to get recognized!
Thanks, Michelle!
That’s FANtastic! Blog love at the Dollar General. Boo yah!
Boo yah!
Suzannah, i TOTALLY feel you on this one. I mean, the PRESSURE of having a blog and people who read it. And it’s hardest to write anything worthwhile when you’re forcing it. I’ve decided to just be OK with my occasional weeks of absence because, like you said, if I pushed it… a turd would come out. You catch my drift. So, I just wait to be inspired and then the blogging is so much easier and more enjoyable. Anyway, I’m glad to see you here, and I’ll keep coming back even if you take some time away!
🙂 Thank you Mama Kim!!
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